Where is my mind..?
Or rather, where am I in my mind
My mind is full of hallways and tunnels. Some are light, others dark. Some open, others blocked for my protection.
There’s an aching in my brain. Sometimes a door slams, a voice screams, a child giggles, a window breaks, a flower grows.
I can’t stop my mind from wandering up and down the shafts of memories. Good or bad. They come with me whether clear or fuzzy, black or white. And a memory isn’t always visual. they could be emotions or physical feelings. Like walking into a new place and the scent sparks a flame in my head.
“please be careful with me. i’m sensitive and i’d like to stay that way.” ~Jewel
I haven’t known a happy Easter in many years. One Easter I went to church and watched my little girl in the pageant while my other little one was tucked safely inside me, only 28 weeks old. I can remember thinking that someday, daughter #2 could be in the pageant too.
Well, life takes its twists and turns.
Little Maggie came too early on Easter Monday, she went straight to heaven before I could hear her cry or comfort her.
I will never forget certain moments of that week. Hearing the doctor say there was no heartbeat.
They asked me if there was any chance of domestic abuse.
Holding her tiny body and wishing she’d open her eyes.
The nurse telling me the state took my daughter’s tiny body. They wanted to do an autopsy to determine her death. I told them NO!
I can still feel my breasts being fully engorged the day we placed the little white coffin in the ground. My mother carried her to the grave.
I wonder if I should have let my other daughter see her before she was buried.
It’s all clear as day. The pain has lessened over the years. I don’t cry as much.
I will never have a truly happy Easter again though.
I wish I had something profound to say. There are messages all around us. Signs spring is coming. Feelings of dread in the air when the clouds roll in. A random act of kindness. Idiots in public service. People dying from stupid violence.
I’m not sure I belong here anymore.
And I am feeling my fall blues approaching too soon. It’s like, “What’s the point? Why are we here?” I know it’s the depression, but that doesn’t help mentally. My logic dictates one thing but my emotions tell me something else and their voice is stronger. I want to bury myself in a hole or run away from this. Depression or any mental illness stays with you all the time You cannot brush it away, hug it away, or run from it. You have to face it, get help, talk to people, and all those things that the depression tells you NOT to do in order to “feel” better. Even then it is only temporary because something brings it back. Whether it is something you control or not, it comes back. I tend to self-sabotage. Stop taking the meds I know that help. I feel lazy and worthless and it is hard to crawl out of the hole. I know I will. However, there will always be another one.