My mind

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careful, Happy, Health, Jewel, Life, Lyrics, music, quotes, relationships, sad, Sensitive, Thoughts, writing

Where is my mind..?

Or rather, where am I in my mind

My mind is full of hallways and tunnels. Some are light, others dark. Some open, others blocked for my protection.

There’s an aching in my brain. Sometimes a door slams, a voice screams, a child giggles, a window breaks, a flower grows.

I can’t stop my mind from wandering up and down the shafts of memories. Good or bad. They come with me whether clear or fuzzy, black or white. And a memory isn’t always visual. they could be emotions or physical feelings. Like walking into a new place and the scent sparks a flame in my head.

“please be careful with me. i’m sensitive and i’d like to stay that way.” ~Jewel

 

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Happy Easter?

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Blog, Easter, family, Happy, Health, Infant Loss, Life, Religion, sad, Thoughts, Women

I haven’t known a happy Easter in many years. One Easter I went to church and watched my little girl in the pageant while my other little one was tucked safely inside me, only 28 weeks old. I can remember thinking that someday, daughter #2 could be in the pageant too.

Well, life takes its twists and turns.

Little Maggie came too early on Easter Monday, she went straight to heaven before I could hear her cry or comfort her.

I will never forget certain moments of that week. Hearing the doctor say there was no heartbeat.

They asked me if there was any chance of domestic abuse.

Holding her tiny body and wishing she’d open her eyes.

The nurse telling me the state took my daughter’s tiny body. They wanted to do an autopsy to determine her death. I told them NO!

I can still feel my breasts being fully engorged the day we placed the little white coffin in the ground. My mother carried her to the grave.

I wonder if I should have let my other daughter see her before she was buried.

It’s all clear as day. The pain has lessened over the years. I don’t cry as much.

I will never have a truly happy Easter again though.

profoundmessages

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Depression, Health, Life, sad, Thoughts

I wish I had something profound to say. There are messages all around us. Signs spring is coming. Feelings of dread in the air when the clouds roll in. A random act of kindness. Idiots in public service. People dying from stupid violence.

I’m not sure I belong here anymore.

An important message

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Characters, Creative writing, family, friends, fun, Health, Life, love, quotes, rebirth, relationships, stories, suicide, Survival, Thoughts, Women, writing

 

This is my daughter’s new (from yesterday) tattoo. A very important message.

For those of you who do not know, the semi-colon is a symbol for suicide awareness. The butterfly can be a symbol of rebirth. And the words speak for themselves.

The most crucial message to teach our children is love. Especially loving oneself. And in order to teach this, the parent must live it.

Whispers

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family, Health, journal, Life, relationships, sad, Women

Pain and sorrow rode with us to the church that day. My fully engorged breasts reminded me of what I had lost. Most of the day was a blur. A moment of my eldest daughter’s face filled with questions. All others wore somber expressions. People had no idea what to say on occasions like those. What do you say to a mother who lost her child before even meeting her little one?

My mother walked to the back of the SUV. The gentleman from the funeral home pulled the tiny white casket out of the back and handed it to my mother. Part of me still wishes I had done this last one thing for my baby. At the time, I was afraid of falling. Not just by tripping. I was afraid my whole being would break.

The days leading up to the moment Mom put the casket down were horrendous. I lost my child and nearly lost my husband in the process. People made the effort to comfort me, give me advice. Even if a person has had a miscarriage or stillbirth cannot understand completely what goes through the mind of another.

His cousin had told me to do a c-section. He told me how many losses she’d had. I didn’t give one ounce about what she had to say. Not once was she twenty-eight weeks along. My baby was a fully formed human being when I held her breathless body in my aching arms. No one has lived my life. No other person could feel what I was feeling in that one instant that changed my life.

Gratitude

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Blog, Characters, Creative writing, critique, family, friends, fun, Health, Life, quotes, relationships, sad, Survival, Thoughts, Women, writing

I am grateful for my feet for even with pain, they allow me to stand up for my family and friends.

I am grateful for my legs that help me to get to my daughter when she needs me.

I am grateful for my arms as they help me show affection with hugs to my beloved ones.

I am grateful to you for reading my books, my posts, and still being my friend, confidant, reader, or whatever relationship we have.

I wish I could pay back all the kindness you have shown me. All I can do is say, “Thank You.”