Almost August

Tags

anxiety, Blues, Depression, Life, Mental Health, mental illness, sad, Thoughts, writing

And I am feeling my fall blues approaching too soon. It’s like, “What’s the point? Why are we here?” I know it’s the depression, but that doesn’t help mentally. My logic dictates one thing but my emotions tell me something else and their voice is stronger. I want to bury myself in a hole or run away from this. Depression or any mental illness stays with you all the time You cannot brush it away, hug it away, or run from it. You have to face it, get help, talk to people, and all those things that the depression tells you NOT to do in order to “feel” better. Even then it is only temporary because something brings it back. Whether it is something you control or not, it comes back. I tend to self-sabotage. Stop taking the meds I know that help. I feel lazy and worthless and it is hard to crawl out of the hole. I know I will. However, there will always be another one.

Advertisements

I survived

My daughter’s sleepover with about 9 teenage girls. The dog was not so happy. Hopefully, she is as tired as I am and will sleep late in the AM.

I cannot believe my kid is old enough to drive and will be able to vote next year.

Where did my little girl go?

I’m sorry

Tags

Creative writing, family, forgive, Health, journal, Life, mental illness, Pain, relationships, sad, self-doubt, self-harm, self-medicating, Thoughts, Women

Please forgive me

Forgive me for not caring enough about myself to be there for you

Forgive me for that day I let him do what he did

Forgive me for feeling so sad I needed something to stop the voices

Forgive me for self-medicating with alcohol and nicotine

Forgive me for self-harming with scissors, odd combinations of legal substances, and overeating

Forgive me for not being healthy during the few weeks you were in my life

Forgive me for not listening to the right voices, real and imaginary, who told me my choices were wrong

Forgive me for not trying again to bring your soul into the world

I know someone called you home

I know you have wings and fly with the others, happy, free of pain

I know that place needed you more than I did

28

28 weeks

28 weeks was not enough

not being able to hear you laugh

not hearing your cry

not feeling your sweet breath on my skin

I want to be happy with what I have

To do that, I need you to forgive me for not being the mommy I wanted to be, the one you needed me to be

I need you to forgive me because I cannot do it myself

bruises

Tags

Abuse, family, fun, Health, journal, Life, music, sad, Survival, Thoughts, writing

make for better conversation

a lyric that rings in my ears from time to time.

sometimes it’s the scars you don’t see that make a lasting impression on the soul

yet no one else can see them

no one else can sense how deep they truly go

or how to heal them

Falling

Tags

Art, Autumn, Books, Characters, Creative writing, death, dreams, fall, Fiction, fun, genre, Health, Life, Novel, Novels, quotes, reading, Recovery, relationships, sad, Survival, Thoughts, Women, writing

I like Fall, really I do. The pretty leaves, the cool air.

I hate Fall too. It’s like the last mile before I hang. Awaiting hibernation. A kind of death of sorts.

It’s not that I don’t want to…

Tags

Blog, Bully, Bullying, Characters, critique, family, Health, Life, quotes, relationships, sad, Survival, Thoughts

I just have no motivation