It’s not one thing
That makes me…
I wish I had something profound to say. There are messages all around us. Signs spring is coming. Feelings of dread in the air when the clouds roll in. A random act of kindness. Idiots in public service. People dying from stupid violence.
I’m not sure I belong here anymore.
And I am feeling my fall blues approaching too soon. It’s like, “What’s the point? Why are we here?” I know it’s the depression, but that doesn’t help mentally. My logic dictates one thing but my emotions tell me something else and their voice is stronger. I want to bury myself in a hole or run away from this. Depression or any mental illness stays with you all the time You cannot brush it away, hug it away, or run from it. You have to face it, get help, talk to people, and all those things that the depression tells you NOT to do in order to “feel” better. Even then it is only temporary because something brings it back. Whether it is something you control or not, it comes back. I tend to self-sabotage. Stop taking the meds I know that help. I feel lazy and worthless and it is hard to crawl out of the hole. I know I will. However, there will always be another one.
My daughter’s sleepover with about 9 teenage girls. The dog was not so happy. Hopefully, she is as tired as I am and will sleep late in the AM.
I cannot believe my kid is old enough to drive and will be able to vote next year.
Where did my little girl go?
Please forgive me
Forgive me for not caring enough about myself to be there for you
Forgive me for that day I let him do what he did
Forgive me for feeling so sad I needed something to stop the voices
Forgive me for self-medicating with alcohol and nicotine
Forgive me for self-harming with scissors, odd combinations of legal substances, and overeating
Forgive me for not being healthy during the few weeks you were in my life
Forgive me for not listening to the right voices, real and imaginary, who told me my choices were wrong
Forgive me for not trying again to bring your soul into the world
I know someone called you home
I know you have wings and fly with the others, happy, free of pain
I know that place needed you more than I did
28 weeks was not enough
not being able to hear you laugh
not hearing your cry
not feeling your sweet breath on my skin
I want to be happy with what I have
To do that, I need you to forgive me for not being the mommy I wanted to be, the one you needed me to be
I need you to forgive me because I cannot do it myself