And I am feeling my fall blues approaching too soon. It’s like, “What’s the point? Why are we here?” I know it’s the depression, but that doesn’t help mentally. My logic dictates one thing but my emotions tell me something else and their voice is stronger. I want to bury myself in a hole or run away from this. Depression or any mental illness stays with you all the time You cannot brush it away, hug it away, or run from it. You have to face it, get help, talk to people, and all those things that the depression tells you NOT to do in order to “feel” better. Even then it is only temporary because something brings it back. Whether it is something you control or not, it comes back. I tend to self-sabotage. Stop taking the meds I know that help. I feel lazy and worthless and it is hard to crawl out of the hole. I know I will. However, there will always be another one.
This is my new tat. See the previous post explaining the meaning of the semi-colon. I found this image online and it hit me as apropos for me. I’ve been touch by suicide many times. Attempts and successes of friends. My own attempts. And the thoughts of friends and family who were close but brought back to the light.
Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Only by living and supporting each other can we survive. Go hug a friend today! That person may need it more than you know.
This is my daughter’s new (from yesterday) tattoo. A very important message.
For those of you who do not know, the semi-colon is a symbol for suicide awareness. The butterfly can be a symbol of rebirth. And the words speak for themselves.
The most crucial message to teach our children is love. Especially loving oneself. And in order to teach this, the parent must live it.
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Time cannot dissolve the pain
The scars stay fixed and fibrous
Remodeled bone creaks again
Fear shades the day, forever timeless
Nothing can heal those wounds
You’re broken, no longer whole
Evermore changing, reckless moods
An empty receptacle of a beaten soul
I am grateful for my feet for even with pain, they allow me to stand up for my family and friends.
I am grateful for my legs that help me to get to my daughter when she needs me.
I am grateful for my arms as they help me show affection with hugs to my beloved ones.
I am grateful to you for reading my books, my posts, and still being my friend, confidant, reader, or whatever relationship we have.
I wish I could pay back all the kindness you have shown me. All I can do is say, “Thank You.”
The high holy season of the religion into which I was born. While I know the story and I hope we do go to heaven and see those who have gone before us, I can’t say that this season gives me peace. It’s the opposite for me.
My darling Baby Maggie, Maria Magdelena DeLeon, named after her grandmother, was lost to us Easter Monday at twenty-eight precious weeks. She grew wings before I was able to hear her cry.
My tears still come although now I do not turn into a sobbing mess the way I did those first few months, even years after we “lost” her.
In the heaven I believe it, there are no tears, no pain, no fear. I hope one day to see her again but not until I am done here with her sister.
Blessings this season to you and your family!