It’s not one thing
That makes me…
Where is my mind..?
Or rather, where am I in my mind
My mind is full of hallways and tunnels. Some are light, others dark. Some open, others blocked for my protection.
There’s an aching in my brain. Sometimes a door slams, a voice screams, a child giggles, a window breaks, a flower grows.
I can’t stop my mind from wandering up and down the shafts of memories. Good or bad. They come with me whether clear or fuzzy, black or white. And a memory isn’t always visual. they could be emotions or physical feelings. Like walking into a new place and the scent sparks a flame in my head.
“please be careful with me. i’m sensitive and i’d like to stay that way.” ~Jewel
I haven’t known a happy Easter in many years. One Easter I went to church and watched my little girl in the pageant while my other little one was tucked safely inside me, only 28 weeks old. I can remember thinking that someday, daughter #2 could be in the pageant too.
Well, life takes its twists and turns.
Little Maggie came too early on Easter Monday, she went straight to heaven before I could hear her cry or comfort her.
I will never forget certain moments of that week. Hearing the doctor say there was no heartbeat.
They asked me if there was any chance of domestic abuse.
Holding her tiny body and wishing she’d open her eyes.
The nurse telling me the state took my daughter’s tiny body. They wanted to do an autopsy to determine her death. I told them NO!
I can still feel my breasts being fully engorged the day we placed the little white coffin in the ground. My mother carried her to the grave.
I wonder if I should have let my other daughter see her before she was buried.
It’s all clear as day. The pain has lessened over the years. I don’t cry as much.
I will never have a truly happy Easter again though.
This is my new tat. See the previous post explaining the meaning of the semi-colon. I found this image online and it hit me as apropos for me. I’ve been touch by suicide many times. Attempts and successes of friends. My own attempts. And the thoughts of friends and family who were close but brought back to the light.
Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Only by living and supporting each other can we survive. Go hug a friend today! That person may need it more than you know.