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Please forgive me

Forgive me for not caring enough about myself to be there for you

Forgive me for that day I let him do what he did

Forgive me for feeling so sad I needed something to stop the voices

Forgive me for self-medicating with alcohol and nicotine

Forgive me for self-harming with scissors, odd combinations of legal substances, and overeating

Forgive me for not being healthy during the few weeks you were in my life

Forgive me for not listening to the right voices, real and imaginary, who told me my choices were wrong

Forgive me for not trying again to bring your soul into the world

I know someone called you home

I know you have wings and fly with the others, happy, free of pain

I know that place needed you more than I did


28 weeks

28 weeks was not enough

not being able to hear you laugh

not hearing your cry

not feeling your sweet breath on my skin

I want to be happy with what I have

To do that, I need you to forgive me for not being the mommy I wanted to be, the one you needed me to be

I need you to forgive me because I cannot do it myself